NPP execs fight over how best to self-destruct

Executives of the opposition NPP are deeply divided over how best to ensure the party’s defeat in next year’s presidential elections.

Insiders say the largest opposition group in the country is sharply split down the middle, with one faction hoping to achieve electoral defeat by urging the party’s national executives to ramp up the internal bickering and its public self-humiliation.

The other faction within the party however wants to achieve self-destruction by systematically murdering each other via the “tried and tested” means of deploying acid attacks against other members of the elephant fraternity.

A member of the party’s revered council of elders confirmed “the elders are working to unite both factions under a single party policy called ‘Self-destruction in the shortest possible time.'”