Alan’s guide to identifying floating voters

Following Alan John Kyeremanten’s claim that he possesses a special God-given ability to attract floating voters, the other National Patriotic Party (NPP) presidential aspirants have been scouring through the politician’s handbook trying to figure out exactly how to identify a floating voter. For these other aspirants, it is essential that they identify the floating voters to enable them measure their level of appeal.

YesiYesi Ghana has consequently pieced together a guide to help all Ghanaian politicians to identify this special group of voters who pundits say, may well determine who wins the next presidential elections. The guide has been aptly named after Alan Kyeremanten, the only man who has the mojo to attract floating voters.

According to our experts, the floating voters come in different forms. Each form has been extensively described below to help our honourable politicians target them effectively with their campaign messages.

The floating voter is that youth weaving his way between traffic to peddle his wide ranging merchandise. He vends books when he can barely read, car air fresheners yet all his travels are by foot and boot polish when his usual footwear is a made-in-China charlie wote. In early 2012, this youth was Mr. MP’s sidekick. He led the jama group during the election campaign, all in hope of securing a job at the factory Mr. MP promised to build if he won the elections. Two years in office and the only thing Mr. MP has built is an elephantine mansion. This youth feels betrayed, the cynicism building inside him sways his thumb from left to right and everything else in between.

The floating voter is that unemployed graduate. Two years and several job applications after graduating, she still cannot get a job because her mother, uncles, aunties and cousins do not know any big men. She remembers her final year at university, 2012; the presidential candidates trooped to campus. They were falling over themselves to win students votes with promises to create more jobs for graduates. Two years in office and the only thing they have created is an offshore bank account. She sees no hope, the uncertainty sways thumb up and down and side to side.

The floating voter is that bright young entrepreneur labouring to build a successful business to hand down to his children. The rapidly falling Cedi is however pummelling his company’s finances. Under the multicoloured umbrella of the general mismanagement and misdirection of the national economic, his company is set to suffer an immature death. It was 2012, he had just moved back from the US with a dream to build an IT company strong enough to compete on the world stage. That sleek talking politician sounded like he had a great plan to stabilise the economic landscape to nurture and grow young Ghanaian brands. Two years in office and the only thing that politician has stabilised, is his huge personal earnings. This young entrepreneur feels a sudden anger in a palpable wave that sways his thump in all directions.

The floating voter is that single mother toiling in obscurity. Her university education was truncated by the unplanned pregnancy and her baby-father left her soon after the baby was born. Now, her only dream is to see her son go through university, to give him the opportunity to have a decent crack at life. So she started the ice cream business to supplement her meagre salary, but the erratic power supplies threatens the survival of her small business. The unannounced power cut has lasted for over 12 hours and like her stock of ice cream, her dreams melts with each passing hour. But it was in 2012 they promised to end power cuts just like they did before the previous elections and the ones before that. The politicians paraded elaborate plans to install new turbines, get the thermal plant operating and invest in solar energy. Two years in office and the only thing they are parading is their shameless appeals in the media asking Ghanaians to pray for rain. She feels lost, the distrust swelling up inside her sways her thumb in a whirlwind of indecision.

These are your floating voters. This guide will certainly clear all floating doubts about how to identify floating voters and we hope this will be of great benefit to our honourable politicians.

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