President of Isle of Flagstaff writes letter to new baby, promises to give him 99% of national resources

The head of the kleptocratic regime of the Isle of Flagstaff is marking the birth of his son with an open letter to the newborn. The president, in letter, promises to use 99 percent of the isle’s oil revenues to ensure his son lives a lavish lifestyle at the expense of the people he governs. The letter reads…

A letter to my son

Dear Tax,

Your mother and I don’t yet have the words to describe our joy knowing that you were born in a privately owned state-of-the-art hospital in the US. All expenses were fully funded by the poor taxpayer, that’s why I’ve decided to name you Tax.

Like the other incompetent members of my administration, I didn’t want my child to be born here. The run-down healthcare system isn’t good enough for me and my family.

The headlines say it all. ‘Doctors on strike.’ ‘Mother dies during child birth.’ ‘Nurses down tools.’ ‘Newborn baby stolen from mother’s bedside.’ ‘National Health Insurance Scheme collapses under mounting debts.’

I will do my part to make sure you never have to use any of the crumbling healthcare facilities here. I’ll continue to loot the national coffers to ensure I can always send you overseas for healthcare. You’ll have your education there too. It’ll all be paid for with funds earmarked for schools, hospitals, roads and electricity. I do this not only because I love you, but also because I have a responsibility to keep with the Mugabes, the Nguemas, the Dos Santos and all the other kleptocrats on the continent.

I believe that your life should be better than the people I govern. Hence, I have an obligation to empty the national coffers into a secure Swiss account just for you.

So today I am committing to spend my time in office amassing personal wealth to help you live a much more comfortable life than the ordinary taxpayer. I will continue to serve as president for many, many, many, many years to come, but the plundering of national resources is too important to wait until you are older to begin. By starting now, I hope to see you driving Ferraris, jetting around the world in your own Gulfstream and throwing lavish parties in your own Malibu mansion by the age 20.

I will give 99 percent of our oil revenue to advance this mission. We know this is a small contribution compared to what Jose Eduardo Dos Santos of Angola has done for his daughter Isabel, but please know the funds in your Swiss account will be substantial nonetheless.

Tax, I wish you a life filled with happiness as you lavishly spend this ill-gotten wealth. I can’t wait to see you become the next Teodoro Nguema Obiang Mangue.

Love,

Your dad and head of Isle of Flagstaff’s kleptocratic regime.

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