The Good News According To John

CHAPTER 1
Ghana Dey Be K3k3

1. And on the 25th day of the second month in the year our wahala, John stood before a rather rowdy crowd, who ironically refer to themselves as The Honourables.

2. And so John proclaimed, “hear ye people of Ghana! Life is good!

3. You may not have enough food on the table for your children, but my beloved Ghanaians, we do not live by bread alone.

4. You may be sleeping in darkness tonight as you have for decades, but do not despair for we do not move by sight but by faith.

5. Surely I say unto you, the basic structure of our economy has not changed from colonial times. And like my predecessors, I have done nothing to correct this.

6. Hence we are still largely dependent on the export of raw materials, gold, cocoa, timber, oil and mineral exports and on the import of finished goods.

7. In 2013 alone, under my able leadership, we spent a whopping amount of almost $1.5 billion in foreign currency on the import of rice, sugar, wheat, tomato products, frozen fish, poultry and vegetable cooking oils.

8. Rice accounted for $374 million, fish $283.3 million, wheat $226.7 million, poultry $169.2 million, cooking oils $127 million, tomato products $112.1 million.

9. In spite of all these, my beloved Ghanaians, I still maintain that life is good!

10. Life is good in Ghana! That is why multitudes flock to our shores day after day; the benevolent smartphone-gifting Chinese, the sleek talking oil hungry Yanks and the cunning visa-card-only-for-our-visa-application Brits.

11. Flights destined for Ghana are filled to capacity with tourists and volunteers and NGO workers.

12. They come to visit our spectacular tourist sites and of course, take photos of children drinking from the same dirty river their mothers do their laundry.

13. But while they flock in, I am led in the opposite direction. I am led into the beautiful wilderness of Dubai where I meditate and draw strength from the lavish holiday experience.

14. My beloved Ghanaians life here in our country is good! And that is why so many black people in the Diaspora with no immediate Ghanaian lineage rename themselves Kwame, Kofi, and Kwasi or Adwoa, Abena and Afia.

15. Life is good I declare! Life is good so do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

16. Listen not to your empty pocket when it tells you life is not good.

17. Listen not to the potholes that throw you up in the back of the trotro as you ride to work.

18. Listen not to your abominable pay slip that makes you feel like a slave.

19. Listen not, for these are the devices of the evil one.

20. Listen not my beloved Ghanaians, because my life is good!”

This is the Good News according to your humble servant John.

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YesiYesi Ghana  is a satire/spoof news publication . All articles contained within this blog, however similar to real events, are fictitious. When public figures are mentioned by name, the corresponding story details are invented. In all other cases, any resemblance to actual persons or events is entirely coincidental.

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