Dodgy Dave to offer leaders of ‘fantastically corrupt’ countries expert advice on offshore funds

British prime minister David Cameron will hold a special session during the 2016 anti-corruption summit in London to share his expertise on “how to create and operate secretive offshore trusts.”

Downing Street says this special session will run alongside the summit which starts on Thursday 12 May at Lancaster House in London and participants will include the “fantastically corrupt” leaders of Nigeria and Afghanistan. They will have the opportunity to tap into Mr. Cameron’s “fantastically huge” knowledge on tax havens and secretive offshore instruments.

The prime minister who has been a longstanding beneficiary of an offshore fund held in Panama said he will use the session to assure all “fantastically corrupt” leaders of his personal commitment to consistently pussyfoot on the issue of stopping British crown dependencies from acting as tax havens and secrecy jurisdictions for tax avoiders, criminals and corrupt public officials.

The PM will also use the occasion to provide advice on how to avoid answering difficult questions if such secretive offshore investments are uncovered. “Just do as I did when my offshore investments were uncovered in the Panama Papers scandal- tell them it’s a ‘private matter’ and lie about ever benefiting from any offshore funds or trusts,” said Mr. Cameron.